Before Punk came along, we went to all the classes - babies 101, CPR, breastfeeding, et. al. In the breastfeeding course, we were taught the different positions to hold (Isaiah doesn't like most of them), how to express milk from the breast, how to get him to latch, what a good latch looked like, etc. The lactation consultant (Jenny, aka Madame Hitler) informed us that she'd had 4 kids, breastfed them all, and this was an all natural experience that would help us bond with our son. I should have known she was full of crap, as she also informed us that if you're breastfeeding, you can have unprotected sex, as you won't get pregnant. Needless to say, my bullshit alert went off on that one, as I know several people who were told that, and - SURPRISE - had a baby to prove this old wives tale was wrong 9 months later. Anywho, she made it sound like the whole thing would instinct, that the kid and I would know exactly what to do when the time came.
When Isaiah arrived a month later, we went skin to skin immediately after he was born. He rooted a bit, but the nurse had to help him find my boob. A few minutes later, another nurse whisked him off for the APGAR junk he had to do - not much time to feed. Once he returned, we tried nursing, and I tried not to cry, as it hurt. People will tell you nursing doesn't hurt, shouldn't hurt, and if it does, you're doing it wrong. It is perfectly acceptable to not only smack these people, but to brandish your mom finger at them as you inform them how incorrect they are. Of course it's going to hurt! Do you usually have someone sucking on your nipple like their life depends on it for nourishment every day? Of course not! It'll take your poor nipples a bit to toughen up, and until they do, you're going to be sore. The nurses saw my plight, and ran for Madame Hitler, who came in, cupped one breast in a cold hand, my son's head in the other, and rammed them together. In my 48 hour stay, I also had a nurse do this a few times, and Madame Hitler came back a few more times - the last time she made the fatal mistake of telling me it shouldn't hurt, that I was doing it wrong, and I went off. After telling her where she could put her advice and her "expertise," she was ordered out of my room on no uncertain terms.
Isaiah still had issues with latch when we got home, so I switched to exclusively pumping and feeding that way. What. A. Joy. Being hooked up to a machine every 2-4 hours all day and night. I never did feel like we were bonding as we should have, and I honestly feel like I've missed out on some things with him, but at least he was fed. Granted, it wasn't all breast milk like I would have liked, but he's getting enough to get the antibodies, and supplemented with formula. Having to deal with Postpartum Depression/Anxiety on top of that was just a bonus, and I struggled - still struggle.
After lots of tears and heart to hearts with other moms, both face to face and online, including with my own mother (who, bless her, had to stop breastfeeding me at 3 months because it just wasn't working), I have decided to stop. I can pump enough to stash a little in the freezer so he gets at least one bottle of breast milk a day until he's 6 months old. Not quite the year goal I originally had in mind, but 6 months is halfway to that goal, and pretty good considering.
I have to quit for my own sanity, as I hate breastfeeding and pumping. I don't feel any more bonded to him whether I'm feeding him breast milk or formula. I bond with him during play time, and when I see that toothless grin when I pick him up at the end of the day. Am I selfish for quitting? Some may think so, but those same people who tout 'breast is best' til they're blue in the face would also judge me if I continued until he was 2+. My feelings on the matter are these: 1) Fed is best. As long as his tummy is full, he's happy, healthy, and thriving, that's all I'm worried about. 2) Happy mama, happy baby, happy husband. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy - I've proven this numerous times over Isaiah's (almost) 4 month lifespan. Many tears were shed, especially in the beginning, and my husband pleaded with me numerous times to go see a different lactation consultant, or anyone, just so I'd be happier. I saw a doctor who tried to put me on meds and quit breastfeeding before I was ready (at the 2 month mark). I declined her drugs and soldiered on. 3) Those judgemental freaks of society can shove their opinions where the sun doesn't shine. Punk is a chunky, happy baby with a giggle that lights up my entire world, and a smile that melts my heart. Your opinion on how we raise him is about as pleasant to me as what is in his diapers.
What I'm saying to all other mamas of the world is this: don't let anyone bully you into breastfeeding if you don't want to, or formula feeding if you don't want to. Don't let anyone lead you to believe that you're a horrible mother for wanting or needing to quit. It's ok to not like breastfeeding or pumping. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. As a friend of mine has told me numerous times, you have to take care of you first, because you can't pour from an empty cup. That little blessing needs you at your best, so do whatever it takes to get there, whether that means your bar is open for business or the taps are closed. Tell society to shut it, or just flat ignore them. You, as the mama, know what is best for your little one.
Me? I'm in the weaning process. With any luck at all, I'll be entirely done breastfeeding before Zach and I go on our anniversary trip in late September, so I can enjoy it without being hooked up to a pump. Since Isaiah will be on solids by then, I feel much better about this decision, and a weight has been lifted off me. September 21 is my Independence Day, my body will be mine again, and I'm not ashamed to say it.
