That's right, I said it. I love my son dearly, wouldn't trade him for the world, but I'm about to shatter the glass on the delusional world of Facebook parenting. Parenthood is a wonderful shit storm. It definitely has its ups - watching this little person grow into whatever they will become later on, seeing the tiny infant gain fat rolls and dimples on their ankles and knees, and being entertained as they learn about the world around them. Then there's the flip side - the constant crying, the every two to three hour wake ups, growth spurts that involve constant feeding and little sleep, and if you're breastfeeding, it's even more "fun". In my case, my son wouldn't latch properly without a nipple shield, and on days like today, he can't even figure that out without wailing. I now pump almost exclusively, but at almost 7 weeks, he's going through a growth spurt and eating everything in sight. The crying gets to you at some point, and I spent some time locked in the bathroom today, curled in the fetal position "ugly crying" and not giving two shits who knew it. All of this can also lead to postpartum depression, which I'm pretty sure is a wave I'm currently riding. If you haven't had this, you're very lucky. I had a very easy pregnancy, and thanks to an epidural, a very routine (albeit with one hitch) labor and delivery, so I figure this is nature's way of making me suffer a bit. Seems fair, I just wish it would stop soon.
If anyone tells you their child is perfect and doesn't cry, they're a liar. If anyone tells you they have a blast with their kid 24/7 no matter what the kid's age and development status, that person is drunk. If anyone tells you maternity leave is a vacation, show them to me, as I'd like to a) find out what they're doing to have so much fun and b) punch them in the throat.
I constantly find myself asking what I'm doing wrong as a mother that my boy is crying, never seems satiated, and always wants to be held? What am I not doing that so many on Facebook are doing? That's when my husband stepped in and reminded me - Facebook is only for all the good things, the happy go lucky bullshit that masks all the turmoil going on behind the scenes. Perfect family, perfect life. I was raised to believe there was only one perfect being in the history of ever, and He created the planet and everything on it.
Parenting is not for the pansies or faint of heart. If your kid is like mine and doesn't give hunger cues, just goes from 0-starving in 3.2 seconds, you spend lots of time trying to figure out what on earth he's crying about. Pants are clean, he's not too hot or too cold, walking won't do it, swinging won't do it, we've checked 3 times now if he's hungry, but on the 4th try, he finally decides to give you a clue that yes, it's meal time in his world. Granted, by this time he's throwing a tantrum that would impress a two year old. Don't even get me started on the joys of hooking myself up to a pump and getting the milk out that way. I swear I look exactly like the cows at the local dairy farm when they get onto the milking turntable.
Waking up every two to three hours to feed it awesome, too. I read somewhere once that humans are actually programmed to only sleep a few hours at a shot, much like a cat. My level of functioning exhaustion is here to call bull on that theory - the author obviously never had kids. Coffee doesn't help, either, as that just keeps your eyelids open temporarily. It also gets into the breast milk and wires the kid like crazy so they don't sleep later. Awesome.
If your child is like mine, he also will cry during diaper changes, because why not.
Oh, and another joy that has nothing to do with the child - this annoyance comes from everyone else around you. My son will be 7 weeks old on Tuesday, and if one more person asks me when he'll have a sibling, or tell me he should have a sibling, we should try for a girl, he'll be bored without a sibling, etc. I have one thing to tell you:
GET YOUR OPINION THE FUCK OUT OF MY UTERUS.
I have absolutely no plans to do this ever again. He doesn't need a sibling, and there's nothing wrong with being an only child - I am one. If I hear one more time that I might change my mind in a few years, I may go postal. My opinion on those with more than one kid? Your sanity went completely with the first child, as you were crazy enough to do this all again. #sorrynotsorry My husband and I have discussed it, and our son will have siblings, but they will be/are covered in fur and walk on 4 feet. Three is a perfectly good size for a family, and that's what we shall remain. If not for the fact that the doctors claim I'm too young, I'd have gone with a tubal ligation last week instead of nexaplanion or whatever this rod in my arm is called. Good for 3 years, at which point I'll be "old enough" for a tubal. Tie those babies off, I'm done.
Now that I've complained, let me back track a bit. We have our good days to go with the ones where I feel like I'm going to rip my hair out and call the crazy farm to admit myself. My husband helps out when I need it, and sometimes when I don't think I do. As with any other mom, I'm a bit of a martyr and try to do it all myself - it doesn't help that I was like that before this kid came along, it's just gotten worse. Our son is perfect, he just needs to learn to communicate better, eat solid foods, and sleep through the night. I don't think that's too much to ask (sarcasm, for those of you who are the Sheldons of the world and didn't pick up on it). He has dimples in his knees and elbows that are the cutest things ever, is kissable everywhere, and I'm going to squeeze the bejesus out of him when he's big enough to handle such a hug. He's my greatest accomplishment, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat, as long as I got the same boy out of the deal. We're in a learning curve, which everyone goes through, and I need to not be so prideful and hand over the reins more often - something I'm working on. In the meantime, I'm sure I'll continue to cry in the shower when I get overwhelmed, pray a ton, and simultaneously wish he would grow faster and not at all. I feel bad on the days I miss it just being the two of us, and daydream about all the fun the three of us will have as he grows.
Moral of the story? Don't believe everything you read on Facebook. That's a single glimpse into the life of someone, and it's only what they let you see. If you see a new parent looking like they're bedraggled, offer to help with anything - laundry, dishes, a meal, holding the kid so they can go shower/eat/sleep. I've had one meal today, where my son has had 4. The only reason I'm showered is because I hopped in with my husband while our son took another 3 hour snooze. I didn't brush my teeth or pee until my husband came home at 3, because my son needed fed and soothed and changed and screamed when I put him down to go take care of myself (i.e., heat up leftover Chinese takeout). Also, don't push your own dreams on the new parents. I don't care if you think every family should have 2.5 kids because that's what yours had. Mine had only one, and will only have only one. Trying to shame me into having another is only going to annoy me and make me like you less. I promise the next animal we adopt will be a girl. We'll even put her through obedience and therapy training so she can help others.
Thank you and good night. I have to go pump. Again.
